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The only way to do it… is to do it (Merce Cunningham) 


RPL is a bit like standing with a box in front of you and not knowing what’s inside, we don’t know why I have recurrent losses, we don’t know if we ever will, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t deal with the unknown very well and I really hate surprises so this current situation drives my anxiety through the roof. 

Chance is an interesting thing but I no longer believe this is down to chance or bad luck, yet we still have to dance with chance because it really is by chance that a doctor will invest in you and listen to you, it’s all down to who’s list you end up on and their subjective opinions. 

There are however RCOG guidelines that consultants in the uk are supposed to adhere to in relation to what testing women are entitled to, but that process could take years. One of the women I am in contact with is three years into her journey and nothing is happening quickly. 

After the disappointing nhs appointment I knew it was time to go to plan B, in fact I had already decided during the consultation that I needed to find a new doctor. I had done lots of research on fertility specialists all over England looking at their specialist areas and the processes and tests that they offer. 

I know that we are privileged and very lucky that we are able to consider the option of private healthcare and will never take that for granted, but at this point I would have remortgaged the house if it meant we could get help if we had to. 
That said one of the reasons I’m writing this blog and I’m speaking to women from far and wide trying to offer support and knowledge is because I know what an awful predicament this is, I know there’s women out there who have been told they have had all the testing done and it’s probably just bad luck. 

That’s not true for a lot of people there is much more that can be done but if you don’t know about it then you will just continue to live in turmoil blaming yourself and your body for failing you over and over again. I’ve spoken to one brave lady who had 15 miscarriages over a period of 6 years before finally getting the help that she needed, that terrified me and I don’t want that to be me. 

I waited until my husband got home from work that evening to discuss plan B as I sit for hours researching and chatting on forums but he’s not part of that and if we were about to start the gruelling process of fertility treatment it needed to be a team effort and joint commitment both financially, physically and emotionally. I told him about the Dr I wanted to go see who is based in London and the first thing he asked was “isn’t there someone closer”? my answer was yes there is but this one in London seems to be everyone’s last resort and I’d rather just go straight to him then have another experience like we have just had. 

The next morning I waited eagerly for 9:30am when his secretaries start to take calls for bookings, I think I must have rang 27 times before I got through at 10:38. The receptionist was the most delightful person I’ve ever had answer the phone to me in my life, unlike the nhs Secretary that sighed every time I said my name like I was a nuisance when I rang, I wonder if that’s because we were about to pay for their services or that lady just really liked her job. You probably think I’m overly cynical about the nhs at the moment but I’m allowing myself that.  

The next available appointment to have an Initial consultation was in 7 weeks time, my heart hurt in my chest, that’s nearly another two months. I burst into tears on the phone like a true crazy fertility queen and the lady said to me not to cry and she knew how awful it was what I was going through and in that moment I just knew I had rang the right place, all I have wanted for the last three months is for someone to say those exact words to me and to acknowledge yes this really is awful! 

Later that day the kind lady called me back and had a cancellation available in 5 weeks time and I snapped it up. Right around this time I began talking to another woman who had contacted me after reading my initial blog. She was behind me in the process at this point and trying for her third pregnancy after 2 losses, we talked a lot about the consultant in London and shared research and knowledge which helped convince my mind that we were making the right decision. Sadly weeks later she too began to suffer her third loss, it’s a horrible time because it’s like confirmation that you potentially really do have a problem and it’s not normal. 

It was the first time that I had someone to talk to that was the same as me, I’ve made contact and had coffees with lots of women that had one or two miscarriages but no one ever turned out to be the same as me. This is a good thing of course, but everyone else was achieving their rainbow and it started to make me feel quite isolated that I’m always the one left behind. I don’t mean that having one miscarriage is any less important or awful as having multiple but somewhere in this situation I found a sense of relief. 

I felt able to say to her ok your about to go bat shit crazy researching and learning about a million things and it’s draining and exhausting but I hope that I can help you too. The isolation and loneliness is hard and I knew what she was about to go through. 

During the five week wait for the appointment I managed to make contact with a few of his other patients via online forums as I wanted to prepare myself for what might happen next. That day came around far quicker then the previous waiting we had endured but I think it was because I had a spark inside of me that he was the answer and was going to be my fertility king.

We travelled to the clinic via the train, 4.5 hours of travelling and then finally I was stood outside this giant oak door, I’m not really a nervous person when it comes to hospitals or anything, given my track history of health but my whole body was shaking uncontrollably. The clinic is a lovely, welcoming, quite calm place, I straight away felt at ease once I was sat in the waiting area. 

It’s kind of strange as everyone else there is in a couple too and you all know that inevitably it’s for the same reasons but the room was so silent. I wanted to jump up and beg people to tell me this was the answer and that he was the fertility king and would answer our prayers… but I didn’t I kept my inner crazy under control and waited quietly! 

A couple walked into the room holding hands tightly and the woman had tears rolling down her face, they were smiling at each other and the man held up his thumb and said to her “I think it was about this big” I felt my heart thump inside my chest for them and I so badly want that to be us, please let that be us. 

Join me on Facebook – crazy fertility queen xxx

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