In the weeks before the impending appointment I weaved an elaborate plan and filled myself with knowledge. Research and knowing what I’m talking about is what has kept me sane this year. I made endless lists and notes with questions, at times it was like been trapped in my own web trying to get out, yet I felt like I’ve got this I just need a doctor that will be on my side and have time for me.
Whilst patience is something I’m struggling with, I try to tell myself that it will all be worth it in the end, however life’s not that simple and I don’t know where the end is. I know that I want the end to be a baby in my arms, but when diagnosed with rpl there is always the thought at the back of my mind that a baby in my arms might not be my fate.
I’ve learnt from talking to many women that sometimes the journey takes you on a different path and how to prepare for that I’m just not sure. I also find it hard to know how to prepare myself for the fact that it probably will happen again, possibly several times, people probably think it gets easier but it doesn’t, the anxiety and stress that builds each time makes it so much worse.
We went into our appointment with the consultant after our eight week wait and I felt desperation for him to help me and tell me what the plan was. That day it was an nhs clinic that he had booked us in for even though we had come via spire, I thought surely we were too lucky to have skipped the queue. I could not have been more right.
One positive that came from the consultation was we had our bloods taken for parental karyotyping which is when they check for chromosome abnormalities that could be effecting our pregnancies. I am very aware from my research that the likeliness of us having a chromosome abnormality is very small in fact we are already 1 in 100 and then around 2-8% of that 1 in 100 will find they have chromosome abnormality.
I’m telling you this because even though I think the testing was worth while I think that there’s other more common causes that need to be tested for first. I asked if I would be having a full thrombophilia screening and full thyroid panel as he had originally suggested at our spire appointment and was told that he wouldn’t be doing them as it’s ‘too expensive’ and that we should just wait and see.
Basically he wanted us to leave that day and wait 12 weeks for the chromosome result which is highly likely to come back normal. That was it, nothing else was happening, I sat there feeling panicked and helpless that I had no answers and was no further and we had just waited two months for one blood test.
Whilst he started to write out the forms for the blood tests he wrote 30 year old female four miscarriages… I haven’t had four miscarriages, I’ve had three and the consultant should know that, I said I’ve had three not four and he looked at me and said it’s ok it builds your case. I wanted to stand and shout and scream and throw a paddy as that’s what was going on inside my body, yet somehow I refrained.
It’s not ok though, once again I felt like no one was taking me seriously and I was just another number, I wanted someone to recognise me and acknowledge what I’m going through and know my story so far. I know that the nhs is over stretched and I know that it’s not the Doctors faults but I just wanted him to remember me from eight weeks ago and to follow through with what he originally proposed to us, but he never.
I had come away from the spire with a letter that had a plan of action and listed the tests we were going to have, I had waited patiently for eight weeks to see him again having had no tests done and then had one test done on the nhs and was told he would see me in approximately three months for the result.
We were told in the meantime to take a break from trying to conceive, which I found very difficult at first, I know my body like clock work now, I knew which days I was missing those eggs and another month was passing by us.
I felt trapped in a web that was spiralling out of control and no one was willing to help me get out, I didn’t have it in me to walk away and wait patiently for another three months, by that time half a year will have passed since my last miscarriage and we would be no further.
We needed a new doctor, a new plan, we left that clinic that day and it affirmed that I was doing the right thing trying to help myself, it’s time to listen to my instincts and hatch a new plan.
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