Twelve days after my 4th miscarriage it was our 7 year anniversary since we met. We very carelessly did the ‘baby dance’ that night. I never ovulate between a miscarriage and my next period I’ve tracked it every time but this time because we weren’t allowed to try for 8 weeks I hadn’t been monitoring my ovulation. I decided to do an ovulation test just incase and straight away there was a blazing positive line. I felt really annoyed with myself and knew I would have to call the clinic for advice and sound like a naughty school girl.
When I called them they said it was highly unlikely that I would conceive this soon after a loss but to be on the safe side I needed to start the steroids immediately and not do anymore baby dancing that week. Argh I had just weaned the steroids and gone through hell and they were saying I needed to go straight back on the full dose. I obviously wasn’t going to take the risk and knew I had to do it even though I was reluctant.
So then I decided to be even naughtier and if I was going back on the devil drug I certainly wasn’t going on it for no reason so I got into crazy fertility queen mode and we baby danced 3 more times (sorry dad). I had only been taking the hydroxy drug for one week at this point and was fully aware that it doesn’t start working for 7 more weeks, however regardless of that if anything it would mean I was giving the original treatment plan a second shot.
It had never been confirmed whether it didn’t work or if it was a bad egg and bad luck the first time. I know we weren’t giving ourself the best shot with the new drug added in but it happened now and we just had to see what happened.
Ten days later I was sat in Pizza Hut with my friend and I felt a shooting pain in my boob, that was it I knew I was pregnant. Right from that moment I all of a sudden felt pregnant, after all I have done this 4 times before so I tend to know now if I am. I got home and I did a frer test and if I held it up to the window and squinted like a nutter I could see a faint pink line.
When my husband got home I showed him the test and he said I was mental and there’s no line but there was, I’m a professional pregnancy test reader and can dissect them with the kitchen knife within ten seconds. I ignored my husband and rang the epau at the local hospital to tell them I thought I was pregnant again.
They told me it was highly likely that I wasn’t and that it was just left over hcg hormone from the miscarriage and to not get my hopes up. They got me in for a blood test straight away and when I was there they again said It’s probably not a new pregnancy.
When they called me with my blood result my level was 396, they said they needed to repeat it in 48 hours as they were concerned I had retained product from last time and may need surgery to bring my hormones back to zero. I told them about my positive ovulation test and they said that was probably caused by left over hcg too. None of this was bothering me in the slightest because I knew that they were wrong and I just felt like putting on capital letters and shouting IM PREGNANT!
On the Sunday morning I went for my second blood test and then we went to walk the dogs. My phone was ringing a withheld number so I knew it was the midwife with the blood result. She said my hcg level had sky rocketed and was 941 which was a 137% increase never mind the desired doubling! She confirmed I was pregnant and said it might even be twins with numbers like that, my husband looked pale at the sound of that haha. They arranged for me to go for a scan in 4 days time to see what they could see.
I called the clinic to tell them I was pregnant and they arranged for us to go to London 2 days later for my first intralipid infusion. This time I was so protective of my feelings because the last time it had hit me so bad I really thought the treatment was working. I told myself to be hopeful but I didn’t let myself get excited or carried away at any point like I did last time. In fact I don’t think I’ll be getting carried away about anything until I have a baby in my arms, I’ve been hurt too many times, but that said it’s hard to not love it already and I talk to it every night before I go to sleep.
It was difficult having to go and have the infusion and pay all that money again before we even knew if it was a potentially viable pregnancy, but again a chance that we were willing to take. Two days after the infusion I went to the epau and sat and waited for my scan. The last time I had a scan was when I got to see the sac but it measured too small and wasn’t viable for how far gone I should have been.
I was told that because I didn’t have a last period to date me from they would have to rely on scans and measurements until 12 weeks when they could give me a due date. They tend to not go off a miscarriage date for some reason that I don’t know. This didn’t bother me as I couldn’t foresee me ever getting to a 12 week scan when I never even make it to 6.
When I laid on the bed I was terrified, I’ve decided to call it scanxiety and I’m sure all of you rpl ladies can relate to that! As soon as I saw the screen I could see a sac again and it was definitely rounder in shape than the last one and a little bit bigger. The sonographer said at this point there was only a gestational sac and no yolk sac or fetal pole to be seen. That I measured under 6 weeks and that was it was normal to only see this at this point.
I was told the plan at this point would be to re scan me in two weeks time and to go from there. I was monitoring my own hcg levels through digital tests and bloods at the gp so that I could know that it was still increasing appropriately. Through my own reading I learnt that once hcg reaches 10,000 you should be able to see a fetus on a scan and possibly the heart would have started beating.
I roughly calculated my hcg levels and if doubling within 48/72 hours they should have reached the 10,000 mark in around 7 days time after that scan at epau. There was no way on this earth I was going to be able to then sit it out a further 7 days so I decided to book a private scan locally.
I cannot tell you how much those days dragged, I was wishing the hours away to get to bed time and just hoping I woke up the next day and wasn’t bleeding. I was in full swing of my medication and even though I felt awful I just didn’t care if it meant things might be ok. I went to work like some sort of robot and just painted a smile on my face, even though I felt dreadful and with the anxiety on top it was really difficult.
So at 6+2 I went along to the private scan, my legs were like jelly walking in the room I was terrified it was already over. I had filled in a form about my history so I think the sonographer knew how nervous I was. She said she wanted to do it abdominally and I felt immediately freaked out as I’ve only ever had an internal scan. She put the gel on my tummy and started looking around and I could see a tiny sac on the screen but it looked really small and my heart sank, I thought I was going to vomit.
She said shall we have a look internally but I think it’s looking good, I don’t think I’ve ever taken my knickers off so fast in my life ha ha. As soon as she started the internal scan I could see the sac and it looked much bigger and I could see a white blob in the sac. I said is that a baby and she didn’t say anything back, then all of a sudden the sound of a heartbeat came out of the speakers and filled the room. I just burst into tears repeating over and over again have I got a baby? Have I got a baby?
The answer was yes, a tiny little 5mm baby with a little heart beating away. When I had the photos in my hand it felt so precious, a tiny little blob, but right now it was my blob, it was ok and it was trying, fighting for me to be a mummy.
If you have rpl and you are reading my story then you have to dare to dream and believe in hope, don’t ever give up or lose your fight, contact me and I will hold your hand, you are never alone.
Part 2 to follow 🌈🌈🌈
Sam xxx
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