Mamma Mia… Here we go again… why why..why can’t it be easy?

Often when you have had some sort of fertility or recurrent miscarriage treatment your mind will wander into the day dream that next time you may get a miracle, you may not need any medical intervention and maybe just maybe you might be a normal pregnant person.

For me it was a day dream and I’ve come back down to earth with a gigantic thud. I 100% had convinced myself in my head that because I’ve now had a baby that I could just get pregnant and have another one, I’m not sure why I was so naive especially when I’m still so active and involved in rpl stuff every single day, but it didn’t even cross my mind, I genuinely was just going to try for a baby, get pregnant right away and have a sibling for Ted.. in my head.

I had my fertility potential checked with an amh test at the beginning of the year as after looking back at my results from 2017 I realised my result (14) back then was at the lower end of normal for my age, the higher end of ‘low fertility’. It came back this year at (11) which puts me in the median range for low fertility. Of course there’s no way of knowing exactly without the afc scan alongside, but from the amh result alone that would indicate low fertility for my age.

The original plan was to have a year full of lots of holidays that were already booked and living my best life before trying for a baby next year, however with the amh result lower and the pandemic we decided to just go ahead and try anyway. Trying without any treatment wasn’t even questionable by Mr C he very much wanted to do that and I have always wondered too, many things such as…if the treatment really worked? Was it pure luck? Could my body have changed now I’ve carried Ted? I could list a million things I’ve thought but you get the gist! 

Strangers often tell me how they know someone who did ivf and then miraculously they got pregnant and it all just worked out for them, and how it’s probably just going to be fine. However I really do think there is a lack of acknowledgement that struggling with infertility and with recurrent loss are two separate things. Getting pregnant was never my issue in fact it was proven from test results that my husband has super sonic sperm and he only had to pat me on the head and I was pregnant, I was pregnant 5 times in 12 months in-fact. 

As much as I roll my eyes and humour people silently that say all of these things, I guess I did hold on to some hope that it could be true. It’s hard because there is no actual published research about what your body and nk cells do after a pregnancy with treatment, so I guess it all comes down to if your willing to take the risk. 

Some of you may think it’s irresponsible to try and risk another loss after needing so much medication last time, I don’t think you can judge really unless you have been in that turmoil of making that decision, it cost us 7k the first time around we just figured if we could have a baby for free well how wonderful would that be. When I say without treatment I mean without an immune protocol for killer cells, I always had full intention of doing all of the same vitamins, aspirin & progesterone.

Something that was different this time around was it took us 6 months to get pregnant which was quite stressful in itself, although I know that’s not long and is pretty average for a lot of people but for me it was a long time when it was so quick and easy before. I started to panic that I could no longer get pregnant and the more months that passed by I became less sure about trying without treatment in place, I don’t think any loss is easy whether you got pregnant quick or tried a long time but I do think the heartache must be so hard if you have also struggled to conceive for a long time and then finally get pregnant but lose the baby.

At around the 4 month mark I decided to email the London clinic just to find out what the wait time would be and also to ask a few questions. I wanted to know if I would require tests repeating, also if there was any possibility of doing the treatment with less trips and scans involved to try help cut the cost down and also I didn’t really want to do the travelling again. The response just confirmed we would need a consultation and trip to London to find out the answers to the questions.. but I think that already gave me the answers myself so I decided to leave it and to keep trying. 

Another thing spurring me on was knowing a couple of other people that were also patients of the same clinic had started trying again and were also trying without treatment so in that aspect I felt less alone as we were starting again at the same time. So far only one has gone on to have success without immune treatment but has still taken progesterone, sadly it didn’t work out for the others. I guess there’s just no way of knowing if things change, without paying thousands to have the tests repeated. 

On the 6th month I just knew I was pregnant like I always did before, I had the shooty fizzy feeling in my (.) (.) and in true Cfq style started peeing on sticks Uber early. I didn’t at any point panic that I might need treatment as I was just so devoted to the hope it would be ok, I started my progesterone and I actually felt quite relaxed and surprised myself. However the calm didn’t last for long as my (.) (.) became less and less and then I just knew it, game over. 

I went to the epau and was very well looked after as always they just can’t do enough for you and I especially felt very much respected of my knowledge and that I knew it was over. Although I was still getting lines on pregnancy tests for quite a while and it does play with your mind but deep down I knew and after the hospital confirmed it I stopped the progesterone and was ready to wait for the bleed. 

I took this one pretty badly, after all my day dreaming was over and I had my answer, we can’t have a baby without treatment my body can’t do it, even if it’s carried a baby before to full term it still can’t do it alone. I would be inclined to say maybe this one was just bad luck but it was very much the same pattern as my previous losses and I just have it in the back of my head that it was immune related. I was determined to give it a proper go without treatment and now I have done, I can’t take anymore, the disappoint and heart ache is too much.

The desperation that comes over you every month first to be successful and conceive and then the anxiety of keeping it ongoing and the heartache of getting two lines and then watching as it fades away, it breaks you. I would say I’m a pretty strong woman, I can take a lot and I’m surrounded by miscarriage and baby loss every day, every single day I can guarantee you I speak to someone about a loss, I hold them up and give them hope and their fight back when they have completely lost it. I know though that I definitely could not go through another half a year of trying for it to happen again, I wouldn’t handle it well so it’s best to stop now.

So now what… well it’s been a bad year, a very bad year for most and for our business well financially it’s been the worst, 11 years in business and nothing to show for it this year. So no is the answer if your thinking are you going to dart back to the London clinic, I can’t, we don’t have that option financially right now. Before I was frustrated that the nhs couldn’t test or treat me and I had no answers back then, now I have it all on paper I know what the answer is I have my diagnosis but unfortunately the drugs aren’t licensed to be prescribed on the nhs for pregnancy, I doubt those clinical trials will ever happen but not in my life time.

All those women that ask me why do you still stay so active in all the forums? why did you set up the support group don’t you wish you could leave that chapter behind you? Well this is my reasoning, you never know when you might need support, when you might end up right back where you began.

I know some people might be reading this and be inclined to send me a message saying “why didn’t you tell me?” I had my reasons I didn’t want to tell, if I did I would have done, you have to try and look at this from my point of view, I have all control taken from me when it comes to trying for a baby and it’s never going to be straight forward, although people mean well I really don’t need people saying it might be ok, asking constantly how it’s going and for sure I don’t need people being excited, because then when it all goes wrong I have the added pressure of disappointing you.

Another reason women going through recurrent loss don’t want to talk about it to people in their ‘real life’ and choose to live in forums and friendly strangers arms, is because they don’t want to possibly have their new pregnancy associated with a friend who is also pregnant at the same time or something big going on in your life, because when their pregnancy ends they are left with that memory and association always and whenever their friends baby is born or that special anniversary comes around it brings back bad memories and sad times that they didn’t want to happen but they can’t help it and they have to struggle to hide their sadness for themselves and would hate to make it about them.

You see posts all the time about what not to do or say regarding women going through infertility and pregnancy loss and I know it must make people feel like they are walking on egg shells, my only advice is to bear in mind it’s delicate, it’s difficult and the best thing you can do is just let them know you are there, you hear them, and most importantly acknowledge it’s crap.. most women just want people to agree with them, that it’s the worst thing and I would say there’s nothing to compare it to.. so it’s best not to try.

I have hope, I have hope for so many women including myself, at the end of my story with Ted I said sometimes miracles take a little time… so I’ll turn over my hourglass timer and watch the sand slipping through my fingers hoping that my eggs hold on and wait, wait for me to come back when things are better financially and to try once again to become a mother, I have been pregnant 6 times, and I will keep going, I have never been one to take no for an answer…

Goodbye came as fast as hello 😥

Keep Chasing Rainbows 🌈  
Crazy Fertility Queen xxx

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